My First Blog (TM) from Playskool

My sister says she does not want me to embarass myself in front of the internet. I can try, but I'm not promising anything. Ok. Ummmmm....blogging is hard. BUT IM HARDER! BAM! Whoops, I've gone and embarassed myself. Well, I'm Daniel and I am currently helping Matt Kearns with his blogging duties. I cannot give you witty puns or insights into the world and it's inhabitants. However, I can tell you how much I hate everything. Like solitare. One day that arsehole is going to PAY! I mean, come on! On my current computer (a Compaq Presario SR5840AN Desktop PC, the perfect choice for value packed features in a stylish chassis. Beat that, George Foreman!) I have racked up 41 attempts to crack the all-knowing juggernaugt that is solitare. I have been successful on 6 occasions. I am either really shit at solitare, or solitare is really shit at me. Personally, I believe it is the latter. 6 times, I say to my 9 faithful followers, 6 times. I mean, sometimes I enjoy solitare...when I win. My current all-time top winning streak is 1. 1. Bloody 1. GOD DAMMIT I FUCKING HATE SOLITARE! AAAAAAARRRRRRGGHHHHHHHH! I am so blind with rage I have forgotten all about solitare. I'm just pissed off at numbers now. Oh, look at me, I'm a number. I don't even need words, I'll just spell myself with myself. You know what? Fuck you numbers. FUCK YOU! Hmmmm. I'm all angered out now. *YAWN*. Nighty night guys. I'm all tuckered out! See you later.

Since you made my life a wreck...err, complete (go on google the reference.)

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, on this fine day of September the 18th 2009 i am proud to announce my triumphant return to blogging. Now lets lay down some ground rules, cause frankly a blog a day makes both myself and yourself very very bored and unsatisfied. So with a revolving cast of extra cast members you will be introduced to a wonderful new blogospheric experience. You can take that to the bank.

In one of my final blogs, Pre-Retirement, in what shall be referred to as my Fat Elvis phase, i promised you a me without argument. now due to my strong personal convictions (this film clip represents in no way a belief in the occult) i failed quite miserably. but you know what makes me better than the common man, i can admit failure. now i am not sure were this is going, so you come up with your own amusing anecdote of a time where you havent admitted failure.

Congratulations on My Return.
Matt Kearns

Tribal?

ach, blog time ritual man big back now. here comes the rain my friends and it will rain well and good and to be perfectly honest, i love it. rain is awesome it makes me feel so happy, but sadly thats bad news for you all as i do not blog well happy.

it is actually a condition that often will afflict the youth called "liquid contentment syndrome" named and researched by heinrich gleiver, a german of course. it has been described to be similar to the colour "greige"- pointless, pretentious, and favoured by the lower upper middle class youth. in a similar way to condensation building up during the sunny times, anxious, angry thoughts build up in the rainy times and after a week or so, they becomeso heavy that one with LCS is weighed down to the point where they stop calling people "sunshine" or "starshine" or even "moonshine" with out a ooozing sarcasm in their voice to rival severus snape as played by alan rickman. (shutup i love it). so the good news is in one week i will be back to form. yay for excuses- thankyou heinrich gleiver.

anyway, i am far too happy to be blogging. and far too irritated with how few blogs i have posted on the blog named after me to not post blogs. so that is yet another reason for my blog today.

Dont Blame it on the Sunshine, Moonlight, or the Good Times.

Blame it on the
Matt (kearns).

I am Strong, I am Invincible, I am Matt Kearns.

Ladies and gentlemen, i am glad to announce i am back with a flaming vengance. i hope that you have all been well and enjoying the blogs of merrick and damon. i absolutley killed myself laughing at the title "New Kids On the Blog" and they are very amusing and i wont be pissed if you stage a revolution and make them the people's bloggers.

So Sunshine. guess what i did recently?
(dora the explorer style pause, nodding in response)
oh Close... I am giving up arguing, its like lent, but not. because well, lent is the forty days leading up to easter, and unless the moon has been doing some freaky stuff (involving rings perhaps?) it is no where near easter. anyway i got a verbal slap over the face for arguing too much, and i realised that i shouldnt, i come across as an arrogant prick. so i am sorry to anyone i have offended in my blunt obnoxious lacking of the ability to say no.

And off that oddly heartfelt note i would like to say i think this new arctic monkeys track is absolutely fantastic, and i have a new desire to be in a band, so anyone offering singing/guitar/bass lessons (no one wants to be a drummer). i will actually consider it, and hey watchin me do something i cant is always one of the more amusing parts of life. anyway apoligies for this mediocre blog, i will return to form soon. linking here for my dear friend Jack (who is related to Vic? I hope so!) who writes a wonderfully amusing insightful blog- http://jackinabox.wordpress.com! read it children.

Sex + Drugs, E,E,E,Ecstacy

Matt Kearns

Shifting

Hi it's Damon for today.

I'm sorry i've been unable to keep my reputation as the perfect blogger, but a tight schedule has kept me from informing you of nothing. Today is my last blog for probably the rest of the holidays, i will be handing the reigns over to Merrick and his former me former merrick replacement for former kearns shall be Liam. I shall return in probably 2 weeks, but i am being transported overseas for work business, to study how to blog towards other cultures.
On my return, kearns shuold return too.

Anyway, last time i promised that i would think of something to blog about, and that people would email subjects.
Well neither happenned.
So yeah. sucks for you, your last day with the Twight for a while and he can't keep you entertained.

But i can keep you guessing?

No.
no i can't.

Damn i hate that. I was just about to play some game about farms on facebook, but it has noise on it, and is ruining my beautiful Pat Metheny Trio sounds. It may of had a mute button onece i started playing,, but i'm not tkaing that risk, why don't they either turn sound off or just have a mute button from the start. Flolling Wankers. (of Wlolers for the pussies) (or Plolies for the wieners) (no lol abbreviation for that one)

So i bid my 5 or so readers farewell for now, and bug merrick to facebook that he's posted a new one so you know, and don't have to go on the site yourself.

TTFN, Ta Ta For Nemy!

Blog # 19!

Damon Todaymon (amazing isn't it)

No FAQ, cause i'm sick of that, and i'm sure you are too.

i'm sick of apostrophes. i don't know when to use them, and i'm to lazy to look it up. If i want to say that the sandal of my father actually belongs to dearest kearns, would i say "my father's/fathers' sandal is actually kearns'/kearns's.
i have more unsurities in that section of grammar, but that will have to wait for another day whrere i can't think to write of something.

Now, i think i have only had one blog so far where i thought of what to write of beforehand. Now seeing as tomorrows blog is a special day, because it's number #20, i will spend all dayt hinking of the perfect thing to write about.
Then for my next blogging day, i will write a chosen topic by one of our very few readers. Emaiol or facebook them to me (not whre every1 can read it caue then it won't be a secret and fun blog) before, lets say saturday night.

OH BOY! I just got a perfect game of 0 in hearts! On a more important matter, what type of zero is that?

o - lower case
O - upper case
0 - Zero

Horrible! i don't know if this comes out in a diffferent font, but to me it's circular, and smaller than the capital! it should be ellipsical and the largest of the three. Absolutely horrible.

Posting, Settings, Layout, Monetize

Hello.

Damon today. Still awaiting the return of the notorious kearns.
Quite sad.
FAQ:
No
Yes.

Now i have just read an 'anonymous' message from merrickis blog post, which said it wished i was hit by a truck so merrick could ocntinue. Now you must remember, merrick is my fill in for when i'm not here, and he's acting as former me as kearns' fill in for when he's not here, but i'm now acting as kearns, so u'r really asking kearns to be hit by a truck, and for me to continue. Now i must say thank you, but kearns in my opinion kearns should NOT be hit by a truck as be is a valuable, original and respected blogger. Anyway, i'm guessing it was Mo, due to the extensive use of the word rofl. NAME AND SHAME!

Does anyone else here (if there are still any followers. Please facebook me telling, so i can address exactly how many followers there are). Well as i was saying before i was rudely interrupted by brackets, does anyone else here (' ') love exercise balls? I mean, there's no limit to the fun witht hem (i know i typed it wrong, but i'm keeping it that way cause i'm hardcore). If you can name 1000 000 things that an exercise ball would not be suitable, i would say
'good work for going to that effort to prove me wrong, but u must have way too much spare time. You massive dick (or Dlol from now on)' But i wouldn't say that bit in brackets aloud, or even think it, that's strictly blog-related.

I just had an idea.
Tomorrow, i will get a random word of the day from a site that generates that type of bullSlol, and make it my topic of the paragraph. Unless i actually think of something before i sit down to write the blog, which is unlikely. And if i do think of it, i won't go telling it to people before hand like Merrick.

Anyway, i can't remember if i dreamed it or did it, but i doubt i dream about blogs, but if i didn't already mention it, (i have had a sneaking suspicion i already did) i hate the queen of hearts. Flol i hate it.

Don't worry about my sneaking suspicion, it was caught on a video camera near k-mart, and arrested several hours

TTFN, Taa Taa For Nemy!

Brief

Hello it's Damon again.

Sorry for those who were in tears last night as Merrick rudely insulted my blogging ways. But any way, if u actually were in tears, grow a pair.

FAQ:

The only frequent question i've been asked (blog related) recently is 'Dearest Damon, what were the answers to those riddles you set out on Sunday night?'

Well now i'm making a new FAQ for the previous FAQ. (frequently answered questions for the frequently asked questions)

1. The first answer was when i said 'cryptically speaking'... and went on to tell a magnificent riddle. The answer was 'Single'. Because i am single and that was a frequently answered question. the Ozzy Ozbourne's ultimate ___ meant 'sin' because taht's the name of like an album or something. the Golf mixed with pool bit is a game (look it up) called 'gool' which is a mix of the two. The question mark indicated u should of interpreted something - in this case the 'gool' - differently. (instead as 'gle') same pronounciation though.

2. Damon was a little frog.

3. This one was barely a riddle, more of a joke. Appealing - banana. Get it? Peel!

Yer
No topic tonight, i'm not on strike though.

Actually, on a short topic, i hate the queen of hearts. If it's not around, it'll usually be the ace of hearts, but 95% of the time, it's the queen. FLOL OFF!

bye bye

New Kids On The Blog

Merrick here, attempting a blog in the absence of Kearns.

In advance, I'm sorry I will not give entertaining and insightful rants like the one and only Kearns. And i certainly wont do some FAQ or make some acronym out of something i keyboard bashed like some sort of deb, but i will offer this question.

When you go up stairs, whenever it may be, do you count levels as stairs? (i wrote that like a total deb, sorry)

Some of you may not understand this, but you will if you read on. Others i have already questioned on the topic, but still read anyway?

When i walk up stairs, i count the top 'stair' as a stair, although it is obviously the floor of the level you have just reached.

I was wondering other peoples opinions. Do you count none? Just top? Top and bottom?

Personally bottom is just the floor for me, but please comment with opinions...



Before i go, i will add this titbit [ :) ]. In a song featuring Kanye West recently, i heard his say omg. Not Oh My God. but omg.
Seriously Kanye, what the fuck are you doing? (sorry to people who prefer to see 'lol' instead of swearing)
Black people can get away with saying so many things, but omg? get fucked.

(i know i say it, along with lol, rof, and other variations but i'm not a famous 'rapper')

Thats all today folks, back to Damon tomorrow and every day after that for a while.

p.s i finally pwned someone in halo today! Maddi, Kyle's girlfriend, felt the wrath of my halo skills.

Coz she has a mangin and all, she gave it to Kyle and he killing spree'd me to death. Oh Well

A girl with a mangin! how ironic! ( and no, not ironing, ironiy, ironi, ironiny, i, i. Its fucken irony)
Bye, and sorry its so long [ :) ].

Slowly Dying

That probably didn't get your attention, but i'm not slowly dying for those of whom it did.

FAQ:

Cryptically speaking - Alone, Ozzy Ozbourne's Ultimate ____ before golf on a pool table? (6)

Facebook me if you can figure that one out.

Yes i do enjoy cryptic crosswords

Yes i can get puzzled by some tongue twisters

No my preffered font is not wingdings.

Anyway...

Once upon a (place that didn't conform the the controlling and obsessive nature of) time, there was an amphibian with the same name as me.

I'm the one your right. I was really mad, so i decided to write about it on blogger. GET IT!!!?!?!?!?

Very few will.

If you do get it, please facebook me the answer. THE END.

Well....

Sergeant Merrick is supposed to be blogging for you tomorrow as a replacement former me as kearn's (now mine) replacement when necassary.

I've made 2 riddles tonight! i thought about making a third just then, then i thought about not making a third, and that was much more appealing, like a banana. I dont' count that as a riddle cause it's really Slol, but you can facebook me the answer if you want.

First person to facebook me the answer to all 3 riddles gets 50cents. and i promise they're all solvable.

Bye Bye

Apoligies

Good evening avid readers, yes thats right, i am refering to you as readers because i have been informed that there are more than one of you who have read this over 2 times. take that personal shout outs!

i would like to talk about how great england is for a few minutes. i mean this is a fantastic country to be associated, firstly its ruler was chosen by god, well actually a similar family was chosen, but they made the choice not to rule anymore and obviously their god given right to rule is pretty fluid through cousins and the like. and that god changed about 500 years ago, yet he kept choosing the same family to rule. it is like some bitter custody fight over england. with imaginary parents. secondly their rightful ruler is a french bloke, and they score points for giving it to a german family instead, because if there are two countries the french get on with its the germans and the english.

Oh and france is even better, purely because they just keep getting invaded, and their way of showing agression is blowing up a ship in New Zealand, the only country in the world that if they retaliated would be beaten by the francs. oh and eurodisney is pretty cool.

Kicking countries is a nice easy fall back for my lack of monday night creativity isnt it? i promise i will have some entertaining stories tomorrow, but hey today i babysat kids for six hours so forgive me. i am sorry

Now in closing i will quote king charles I:
"Never make a defence or an apology before you are accused'

pfft what does he know, he was only chosen by god. coincidentally after a war.

matt kearns.

It was nearly a rant about bruno, so consider yourselves lucky.

War on Acceptance

Righto, ambitious daily blogging is taking its toll, like no kidding i spent time standing in the shower this morning (savour that image) thinking about what i would talk about. i mean why? its not like anyone reads this or cares. but hey, i came up with the wonderful idea of talking about how nice it is just to sit for a day.

No anectodes from today as i was sailing, so i attend the tale of saturday last. twas the day before sunday and not a creature was stirring. so i sat, in my room, staring at the rain. my aim here was to solve all the problems of the world, and as it happens america is still at war with "terror" so i apparantley failed, and i am damn sure i created more problems in my own head.

What the hell is a war on an emotion anyway. nice one team bush admin '03 (yeah i used numbers- shutup) come on guys, war on terrorists, maybe. war on bastards who threaten national security by flying planes into symbols of capitalism, maybe. war on terror, now thats just lazy. oh, i just delved to political and am scared of offending someone, so sorry! i do love you, whomever i offended, really i do. anyway from now on i think every war should be a war on some emotion, just for the day that we get the "war on acceptance". it will happen, someday, trust me.

Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll
Matt kearnnnns.

Robots in Disguise

Good evening and welcome to day # of this abmitiously regular blog. so i have been informed that my current readers are jay, liam, anna, issy, and alex obern. so that make % and a @))5 increase from yesterday. yeah work that one out.

So today has been another uneventful day, with the majority going towards doing my romeo and juliet assignment, causign me to binge on irish culture. and what a grand culture it is. I implore you all to go and buy War, the early U@ protest album, with its sounds likely to be accepted on any independant radio station today. yeah i am getting up on my high horse, i like to call him Fergus.

anyway. michael bay. subject of todays rant. self indulgent tripe the first transformers was, like disgusting, like i vomited half-way through, sure htats because i had a choc-top and one too many dorritos and a litre and ahalf of coke. but i hated it. so of course, like all things i hate, the wonder of a box office brings it back, and we now have champion lifesavers going on about how awesome his transformers cup is. i mean if i gave him a toy he would probably be amused by the fact it is half car half robot after seeing that movie. and he knows the phonetic alphabet.

Transformers #. i hope you never come.

and has anyone else noticed that linkin park wrote the same song twice over and released as different transformers songs. i mean @))& and @))( ones are like the same so die, linkin park. for being part of that attrocity.

Peace, Love, Rock and Roll

Matt (Kearrns!)

Bloody Sunday

Blog @, Go Team. Totally gonna disregard Michael Jacksons death, because, quite frankly, i dont wanna talk about it, if you wanna hear my thoughts, ask me face to face, then you will see that i care.

Good Evening, Issy, Jay, and anyone else who bothers reading this. i have @ readers, correct me if i am wrong? so anyway, I cried during a film today, yes solo-man, alpha male me, cried in a film today. I highly recommend you go out and rent it, it is called 'bloody sunday' and is a dramatisation of the events of the same name that occured late january in Ireland in !(&@. Basically during a peaceful civil rights march, british paramilitary opened fire on protesters leaving a pretty bloody mess.

anyway, besides that today was a pretty trivial day, but a winner nonetheless. haa get it?

Good Night, and Good Luck

Matt (kearns.)

Oh Aren't Puns Witty.

Guess what. Blog !, i have now decided the little icons above numbers are much cooler than real numbers. oh, and i forgot to unhold shift. anyway, damon came up with the wonderful title for my blog.

you know, i feel odd doing this, sort of like talking to myself as no one will read it. but whoever does, kudos to you, and you are totally my favourite.

so today i went to a wardrobe for an ad i will be in. it is for solo in !(&*, and being the fine physical specimen i am, i figured i would be like the solo mans little brother. as it happens i have heard through the grapevine i am a before in a before and after ad. that hurts. bitches. I think i might be the before for the guy who is bigger than the before for the guy who is bigger than the before for the guy who becomes harry kewell. so at one point in my life, i bully the greatest football player australia has ever produced. go patriotism.

So long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersiehn, Adieu

Matt.